Season of the Witch

A long time ago around the 14th century, two brave and mighty knights stood alongside each other, facing down an opposing army of heathens, in a crusade for the glory of god. These men stood in front of their fellow men of god and exchanged commentary of the battle ahead. One of those men was Felson (Ron Perlman) a skillful swordsman and warrior. The other was Nicholas Cage.

Without any period or regional accent or knowledge that this was only a film, Nicholas Cage erupted, his sword a hot geyser of molten awesome, cleaving and smiting all evil that stood in his way. Like always, as is in every Nicholas Cage flick, the director sets up scene. The other talented actors read the scripts and practice their scenes, but with Nicholas Cage it is different. He gets on set and the director asks him how his day was yesterday and maybe offers him an iced Americano. They shoot the small talk for a while and the director at this point begins to casually call him by the movie’s character’s name (In this case: Behmen). During this time Nicholas Cage is fooled by the polite conversation and free stuff that he is gradually brainwashed into responding to that name. Once “Behmen” is pliable and filled to the brim with caffeine and finger sandwiches he is strategically maneuvered by the director into position. It is then when the director (in this case Dominic Sena) pretends to freak out and tells him the movie plot.

“Behmen” Says Sena. “You stand before many men. They are heathen men and must be smote for the word of god. You will kill hundreds of them, but one day you will kill a woman. This will sadden your heart and you will leave the Crusades with your friend and fellow warrior Ron Perlman. It is only then that you will discover a dark and mysterious girl (Claire Foy) in a dungeon. You must stare longingly and, perhaps, inappropriately into her young doe-y doe eyes. She is a witch though Behmen, a witch and she mustn’t be trifled with. Remember that this innocent girl you are going to kill is obvious foreshadowing for when this other defenseless damsel is brought before you. Only you can find out what evil lurks in these lands! Go forth for it is the Season of the Witch!” Sena, sopping wet with triumphant relief, reclines in the director’s chair and lights up a cigarillo. Cool Directors do that kind of stuff.

Nicholas Cage, high on this new information and the two or three red bulls it took to listen to it, springs into action. Sena calls for his camera crew to “shoot and follow him around” while Nicholas Cage randomly and haphazardly tries to solve whatever it is that needs solving, rescuing whoever needs rescuing, all to the glorious and stunning backdrop of what appeared to be extra footage salvaged from the Lord of the Rings movies.

Unfortunately, and quite sadly, Nicholas Cage wasn’t able to reach his full potential with this script. Nicholas Cage is never allowed to see scripts, lest his great method *acting* be soiled, but some scholars and philosophers do wonder if anyone else in the whole of the production team had actually read that thing before it was green lighted for Nicholas Cage. One Scholar pointed out a plot hole so obvious that it was actually tangible. It was also large enough to stuff an entire boom mic pole into. Some say it may actually lead to the same realm that other mediocre movies end up.

Had only someone read the script and fixed a couple substantial holes. It was starring M.F. Nicholas Cage. Oh, what a tale it should have been.
(Review by Quinn Cruz-Hawkins)